Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
