Those Words given by A Dad That Helped Us as a First-Time Dad

"I believe I was simply in survival mode for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality rapidly proved to be "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health complications around the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her main carer as well as taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a public seat, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The simple phrases "You are not in a healthy space. You need assistance. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and find a way back.

His situation is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mothers and about PND, less is said about the struggles fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan believes his challenges are linked to a larger reluctance to communicate amongst men, who continue to internalise damaging notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It isn't a show of being weak to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to request a respite - going on a couple of days overseas, outside of the family home, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotional states as well as the practical tasks of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen was without consistent male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound emotional pain meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "terrible actions" when younger to change how he felt, turning in substance use as an escape from the pain.

"You gravitate to behaviours that are harmful," he says. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Strategies for Managing as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a family member, your partner or a counsellor how you're feeling. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include playing sport, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical health - nutritious food, getting some exercise and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the optimal method you can look after your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead offer the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - processing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they confronted their pain, altered how they talk, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am discovering as much as you are through this experience."